It goes both ways
by fightfortherightsofhouseelves
Summary: The one with Ginny's side of the story and inner monologues. Because it always goes both ways. Board the emotional roller-coaster that was Ginny Weasley's mind during her fifth year at Hogwarts.


At fourteen, Ginny Weasley heard some rumors. And for the first time ever, people were whispering along the Hogwarts corridors about some other Gryffindor whom, shockingly enough, was not Harry Potter. No, there was a new name etching on everyone's lips, the name of a very attractive long haired redhead. Herself. When did she become the most popular girl in her year, Ginny couldn't understand. Frankly, she was rapidly becoming the most popular girl in most years. And it was strange, a bit thrilling, but strange nonetheless because the last time Hogwarts was in a frenzy stirred by Ginny Weasley was two years ago when she found herself in the Chamber of Secrets. But then, nobody wanted to talk to her, even less come near her.

However, with all this new found popularity, boys started asking her out, boys trying to catch her eye, boys staring at her as she walked past them. But never one particular boy. Oh no. He had eyes for somebody else and that was actually fine with her, because she found Michael Corner and it was quite enjoyable for some time. And then he moved on, which made her slightly happy for the most of ten seconds, until Hermione's advice sounded crystal clear in her ears, snapping her back to reality. She had to be herself and let him notice her and long gone was the little girl who blushed every time he so much as gazed her way. So now she started dating an older boy and he was so kind to her, paid her all the attention anyone could have wanted, attended to her needs. Oh, what the hell, if he wasn't the perfect boyfriend, then she didn't know who was.

And this was the exact time Harry Potter decided it would be nice to start noticing her.

Ginny tried deluding herself. "He's like my older brother", she'd say. And "he's just looking out for me…out of the corner of his eye, every time he thinks I'm not aware", she'd mentally add. Playing side-along Quidditch and always making sure to be in the same team with her, laughing at her jokes, even at the most embarrassing ones, sitting next to her in the parlor as the sun set, an awed expression on his face as the twilight hues were reflected in her hair. Yes, Harry Potter started noticing her around the exact time she began a relationship that had all the chances of becoming something serious. Brilliant. Well, if it wasn't just her bloody luck.

Now she was fifteen and returning to Hogwarts, with Harry at her heels asking her to spend the journey together. "Sorry, Harry, I promised Dean I'd meet him", she told him and it took all she had to spit out those words. How many times had she not prayed that this would happen? That Harry would reach out to her and invite her to be part of their closed triangle. How many times had she not walked past their compartment, watching them laugh and whisper and plan the next suicide mission, heads put together. It had to bloody happen now and it seemed only too ironic that her wishes came to bite her in the ass. Well, so be it. She liked to think herself a vertical person and if Harry Potter interfered with her plans of remaining one, she would just have to shove him away.

Now they were in the Quidditch team together and he was Captain. The role of the leader always suited him and made him even sexy, all confident and focused. "A few stray thoughts couldn't hurt anybody", she started telling herself. But she could not suppress the smugness she felt each time he caught him staring her, admiring her flying skills and she could not squash the guilt this brought along. Ginny couldn't understand why exactly she was feeling guilty…or why had she started to take her sudden spurs of frustration on Dean, who was waiting for her after every training session. Did he really have to be there all the time? Didn't he have homework or anything better to do than watch her fly or interrupt as she was discussing new flying formation ideas with Harry? She shook her head hard and squeezed her eyes to try and push away those thoughts and walked back to the castle with Dean.

Months went by in the same swirl of emotions. Harry asking her to go to Hogsmead with them, Harry pushing Ron against the wall when he became outraged seeing his sister snog her boyfriend in a deserted corridor, Harry always staying behind after Quidditch practice and walking her back to the Common Room. By this time, Dean had already started to show up less often, their rows becoming more frequent. So did their snogging sessions, for Ginny, feeling like an utter traitor, torn between trying to remain an honest person and her feelings, was giving her all to compensate for how she rounded on him for every little thing. She knew he didn't deserve that, knew that he was a good guy and it was only her fault for the mess in her heart. The way Dean looked at her now gave her the feeble impression that he had a guess regarding her change in behavior. Could he possibly know how disgusted she felt with herself for thinking about Harry before she went to bed? How he kept creeping up in her dreams, making her wake up with cold sweat running down her back? Could Dean understand the real reason why she was so angry with him for laughing when a Bludger sent by that blabbering buffoon, Cormac McLaggen, cracked Harry's skull?

Misery joined the rollercoaster of emotions Ginny had been riding since the start of the summer when she saw signs of rejection in Harry's behavior towards her. She took a seat next to him on the cozy couch next to the fire place in the Gryffindor Common Room, maybe a bit too close to him than she would have sat some months ago. He immediately scooched so that the distance between them remained as appropriate as possible for two persons who had known each other for years. The definite sting in her heart could not be ignored and she started wondering what had happened. Had he not liked her, after all? Had she been imagining it, convincing herself that Harry Potter had feelings for her? No, she was confident that it could not be only a mere product of her imagination for he proved he was interested one too many times. Why was he rejecting her, then? And, for Merlin's sake, why did she even care if he was rejecting her? She already had a relationship _goddammit_ and she was single-handedly sabotaging it for something that might not even happen. Oh, sod it. It was time to go to bed. Looking over her shoulder, she couldn't help but notice the slight feeling of regret written all over Harry's face. Wishing she could just go back and tell him that she knew, she knew and she felt the same, Ginny continued climbing the stairs up to her bedroom. Yup, some days she plainly hated herself.

At end of the days where she mentally kicked herself practically every hour, came the nights where she launched in full debates inside her mind.

"He clearly fancies you…"

"But you've already got Dean!"

"But he's got everything you've ever wanted in a guy!"

"But you already have a relationship, a good one."

"And what if he doesn't like you back? What if it's all in your head?"

"Why do you care if he does, you've already got Dean! You've got Dean! You like Dean."

"Bollocks, bollocks, bloody effing bollocks, Ginny. What the hell is wrong with you?!"

And on and on it went until she was too tired and disappointed by the turn of events to continue and fell asleep. Some days she felt so frustrated and guilty that her head started spinning and she had to exit the classroom. Inhale. Exhale. To control her line of thoughts. Oh, what was the point of torturing herself to no end?

Then, one evening, after a walk around the castle grounds with Dean, after twenty minutes none of them uttered a single word, she had made up her mind. Him playing the perfect gentleman and being so insufferably well-behaved that he simply _had_ to help her up the stinking portrait hole for the millionth time, even though she told him she was bloody capable of climbing on her own, _thankyouverymuch_ , seemed like the last straw. She understood, then and there, that she could no longer be in his presence without resenting every little thing he did.

Their row was monumental and Dean retreated to his bedroom looking very hurt and miserable. She knew it was because of her. She sensed his gloomy gaze glued to the back of her head every time she laughed with Harry now. She had inflicted pain upon someone else. Who was she anymore? But those philosophical questions were soon pushed out of her mind by the news of Harry being unable to play in the last Quidditch match of the season because his big fat mouth just had to open and earn him detention from Snape, that greasy bastard. She quickly got her broom and went to the pitch to wipe the dust off of her Seeker skills. She would be damned if they lost this match, if she let Cho Chang put her stupid little hand on that Snitch. And she didn't. The Gryffindor team played better than ever and Ginny snatched the Snitch right from under Cho's nose and it made her feel positively chuffed. She couldn't wait to tell him that they'd won, they'd won, they'd won! Gryffindor had won the House Cup, something that seemed close to impossible that exact morning.

She saw him climbing through the portrait hole, a confused look on his face. His eyes were searching for someone and she was pleased to see that his gaze had stopped on her. His look, the way he locked his eyes with hers, the intensity of it all, she couldn't contain herself. She ran headfirst into his arms, but instead of the hug she was going for, she felt a pair of soft lips on hers. Harry was kissing her. It was actually happening, she was not hallucinating from the adrenaline of their victory, no. It felt too good, he was kissing her with such enthusiasm, such passion that it was just too much to be a hallucination. She could have never imagined a kiss this fervent. So she decided it had to be true and started kissing him back with equal strength. They might have been at it for hours, for all she cared. Breaking the kiss, Harry glanced over at Ron. Of course, he was asking for her brother's approval. Ginny scoffed. As if Ron could control what she did and right now she very much liked to do a lot of things to Harry, to let loose of all those thoughts she had to repress until this moment. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dean in shambles and shocked, but quickly squashed the thought. She would deal with that later. Right now, her heart was thumping _thumpthumpthump_ against her chest, threatening to break out of her rib cage. She searched for Harry's green eyes and he wordlessly beckoned her to walk with him. Sure, it might be nice to talk and agree on what exactly they were now, but this could come second after hours and hours of snogging that would make up for all the time they'd wasted apart from each other.

Reaching a deserted part of the castle grounds, Harry made some comment about how he'd wished to have seen her playing, but she wasn't interested. His emerald eyes were gleaming and he was flashing her his lopsided grin. "Actually, I don't really care about the match now," she said, slightly pushing him against the castle wall. Instantly, they locked lips again, Ginny encircling her arms around his neck, Harry resting a hand on the small of her back, the other grasping at her red curls. Yes, Ginny thought, this is where her peace of mind had been hiding the whole year and she smiled widely against his hot lips.

As everything seemed to fall into place for the two of them, Ginny Weasley felt that she had finally found herself, that she was now her own. She took a vow that blessed summer's day, thinking that she would be damned if she let anything keep her away from the warmth and security of his arms ever again.

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